Jamie's Testimonial
Posted 08/07/01
My name is Jamie and I am 18 years old. I will now give you my
life story. I am blind, and I also see infantilism creaping up in the
homes of blinded indeviguals who have been over protected. The want of
being a baby comes from the feeling that they are unwanted. In other
words, when the child's parents does everything for him/her, the child
feels like his/her opinions or abilities are being ignored. Then you
may think it odd then that th child stills goes back to depending on
his/her parents, but it is quite symple. The child doesn't feel loved,
and wants to go back and change it for the better. I really don't think
about getting my independants when I'm in baby mode, because I have my
independants when I'm an adult. I've also become more spiritual, and
I'VE FOUND OUT THAT THIS IS NOT WRONG, AS LONG AS YOU DO NOT HARM
YOURSELF OR OTHERS. It's something that makes you feel good. Anyway,
here's my story.
Before I begin, I wish to ask that you change the names of persons and
places involved so not to cause unnecessary backlash from certain
parties.
Where should I start? I suppose that I should start off by
confessing/explaining a few things. First of all, I would like to tell
you all something. Ever since I was a child, my grandfather drank a
lot. I was always afraid of when he would come home yelling, throwing
things, and, swearing. This reflection is not meant to put down my
grandfather in any way. I think I was raised the best way anyone knew
how, given my condition. But, I do however think there was a lack of
love and, comfort somewhere. It's very difficult to get in to the whole
thing, but I think it was because of the drinking, that I was never
held by my grandfather, or if I was held by him, he was usually
drunk,and, because of the unstable relationship shared by my
grandparents that destroyed my hopes of growing up like a normal kid.
True, I was normal on the outside, excluding the fact of my being
blind, but on the inside, I was screaming for love. I did all the
normal things a typical kid would do, rode my bike, swam, told fart
jokes, very bad ones at that, but I lived my life as a perfectly happy
little boy. At least that's how it seemed to people in society. But,
what they did not know is that inside I felt like there was something
missing from my life. LOVE. True, I lived my life just as anybody else
would do. But, I was also hurt in other ways.
First of all, I had know friends in my neighborhood to go too when
things got bad, or when I needed someone to talk too, even if the
conversation were one about sex to one of homework, I had no friends to
listen. No friends to be there when I needed them to just be there for
me. True, I did have friends at my school, and, a social worker, Ms.
Paige, whom I owe a lot for listening to me. But, all those things
didn't make for the weekends, where I would come home, wondering what
was going to happen next. Like if my grandfather was going to yell.
I'm going to jump ahead just for a minute just to tell you of an
experience I had in my later childhood which relates to this aspect of
growing up. I forget what it was about, but someone asked what I did
when my grandfather came home from the club, or from work. My mother
said, "He goes and, hides under a rock like the rest of 'em." This sort
of humiliated me. But, that's exactly what I did.! I would go down
stairs just before my grandfather would come in to the house. I don't
know if it was the feeling or thought that he was going to yell that
made me go down there. But, nevertheless my thought/instinct usually
paid off. For no sooner did my grandfather get in to the house, he'd
start yelling at my grandmother, or start complaining about something
that wasn't right around the house or just in general.
Another thing which may not have any thing to do with the way I grew
up, but I think in a way it contributed somewhat to why I'm the way I
am now. I remember ever since I was a child and, heard Mario Lanza sing
Torrna Surriento, I thought to myself, "God, I wish I could do that."
Ever since then, I sang Mario Lanza's songs. It was really kinda throat
singing, but when my grandparents heard me, there was no stopping them.
Whenever my picture would make it in the newspaper, I thought it was
good to make people proud. As a result, I underwent a tremendous amount
of pressure from my grand parents. It wasn't that they would force me
to do it, but back then I didn't know that I had any choice in the
matter.
As we move forward in my life, other things happened to make me the way
I am now. During the summer I met a friend at a carnival being held by
a church. I don't remember which church, but, he and I became good
friends.
We later became involved in the sail for sight competition. I remember
sitting in the boat, just sailing along having the time of my life.
After the race, we decided to go to bush gardens to celebrate. I
couldn't have been more happier.!
As we were in our hotel, I decided to take a bath after we had gone for
a swim in the outdoor pool they had. I had gotten undressed and, was
relaxing in the bathtub when father Rousse came in to the bathroom. I
was use to people seeing me naked, because at my house, there was no
privacy. When someone had to use the bathroom, they'd just walk in and,
do there business and, then leave. When I was done washing, I got out
of the bathtub, and, started to dry off. Just then, I noticed that
father Rousse was doing something. He was flapping a towel, making a
snapping noise. I thought this was very neat and, asked him how did he
do that. He said, "I'll show you." He got behind me, and proceeded to
show me how to snap the towel. I could never prove it, but as he was
showing me how to do this, I felt him pressing his torso against my
naked behind. I don't know what his intentions were, but if he wanted
to do anything to me there was nothing stopping him. He was in the
perfect position. He had my hands, and there was nothing stopping him
from doing what he wanted to do. He didn't do anything to me, that is,
not that I could remember. He just let me get dressed. The rest of the
vacation was paradise, and when we finally got home, I missed him so
much.
Later, I found out that he had gotten banned from the church, because
he had performed acts of a sexual nature on children. The thing that
hurt me the most, was he could do this, and pretend to be my friend at
the same time.
I remembered the time I was on a roller coaster I had never been on
before. I was really scared, because when I was little, my relatives
would trick me in to getting on roller coasters. Roller coasters that
scared me. When father Rousse and I were on it, and it was about to
start up the hill he said, "TRUST ME." I never forgot that. It still
hurts to know that I thought of him as my best friend, and he was
really a monster.
Well, I guess that's all there is to tell. I grew up like this. I want
all of you to know about me, because when you read this I will be gone,
living a life of my own.
I have infantilism. For the psychiatrists/therapists who knew me at
Bayview, that just doesn't in tale wearing and using diapers. My diaper
wearing isn't just a fetish. I like to be treated like a baby. So, I
don't just where diapers, I drink from a baby bottle, suck on a
pacifier, and where baby clothes. I do everything that a baby does. I'm
sorry that I didn't tell you about this, but when I discussed this with
Dr. Garing, she said that I just couldn't do this, so I decided not to
discuss it at all. Dr. Garing, I want you to know that I'm not saying
this to hurt you. I'm just relating the facts. I think your a wonderful
psychiatrist, and hope you'll help many, many people. I know you can do
it. I have faith in you, but many people don't understand my feelings
on this matter. I'm sorry, but when I was given medicine which was said
to control my fetish, I just stopped believing in Bayview hospital.
I am truly sorry to say that. But, just remember that that's only my
opinion. (Smiling To myself.) Just think of the countless millions,
billions of people that you've helped in the past.! Don't worry, if
someone I know is in need I won't hesitate to recommend them to
Bayview. But, I won't recommend anyone with infantilism to Bayview.
I will close out with this. I no longer want your help. Sorry to say it
that way, but that's the way it is. You can consider me no longer on
your clientele. And if your worried about what effects not taking the
medicine will have on me, then stop worrying, because I haven't been
taking the medicine ever since you gave it to me. I only took it once,
and then concluded that you can't replace love with just a simple
little pill.
Just for the record, I am no longer going to the shrink/tharepists, and
my friends, what little I've got, and also my grandmother has excepted
this lifestyle of mine. My grandfather doesn't know but I believe he
knows somewhat, but I will neither help nor hinder in his curiosities.
After all, I'd rather not cut my throat. I do hope this has helped you.
By the way my school suspended me for whering a diaper. I dropped out,
because they would search my bookbag for diapers, at least that's what
they said they ere going to do. It's not like I had drugs. They also
thought this was baby pornagraphy or something. Listen, I've got a
girlfriend/mommy who has an adorible son named Alex. If someone did
something likthat, God forgive me, I would have no feeling of guilt for
killing the man who did that. I love my kid, and am indevering to raise
him to the contrary of my upbringing. He will have spiritual growth. He
will be nirrished
. As in terms of pottytraining, I would wait until he is ready, and
then I will help him take his first step in accomplishing his goal
twoard feeling like a big boy. I don't believe in keeping a child in
dipers all his/her life, because he'd aventually get tired of it. It
would be more damaging, because of peers at school making fun of him.
You could get charged with child abuse or something, and plus, he
wouldn't have anything to fall back on in times of stress. I hope this
has ben of some assistance in your research. Keep smiling, Baby Jamie.
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