Davie's TestimonialPosted 04/30/02
It has been a pleasure reading and relating to so many other with the same diaper issues, feelings and struggles.
As a young child, I was very loving, quiet and always concerned about
pleasing others and looking for praise and acceptance. I always had to
sleep with my favorite blanket for that secure and comforting feeling.
I enjoy stuff animals and the simple pleasures and toys that at the age
of 5-13, I should have been giving up. During this period, my neighbor
playmates were expecting another sister. After she was born, I use to
play in their house and I would see all these diapers and plastic
pants...for some reason I was fascinated by the plastic pants. I had
wet the bed many times as a child but never really made a connection to
diapers. My mother was great and would get up in the middle of the
night, change my bed and pajamas and I would go back to sleep.
Getting back to the neighbors, I would see these plastic pants and had
the extreme desire to put them on. I remember playing games with my
playmates that if we lost at whatever game we were playing, we had to
put on a pair of plastic pants....of course I lost many our
games..haha. When I got old enough to visit the shopping center near
our house, I would go to the local "Dime Store" for candy and I
discovered that they sold baby things, including (OH MY God) plastic
pants. I took one look and had to have them. I would try them on in the
dressing room and wear them over my regular underwear....it was great.
Not a sexual thing, just a comforting thing.
Later, in my early teens and before puberty, I would take a handful of
toilet paper, wrap it around my penis and urinate through it....not
sure why, I just like it. It was not until years later that emotionally
I was recreating the sensation of wetting in a thick, fluffy diaper.
By the time I was 18, in college and working my way through school, I
was getting extremely turned on by other guys. I refused to believe I
was gay, because I was supposed to find a girl, get married, have a
picket-fence house and kids. I remember crying often and hiding my
feelings. I saw girls as great friends but in no way did I want to kiss
them and God Forbid sleep with them. What was wrong with me?
Over the next few years, I began to experiment on my "gay" feeling and
desires to touch another man. Though it felt so good to hold another
man in my arms or be held, my guilt was overwhelming. I refused to
enjoy any pleasure with another man even if I had an orgasm...and
usually afterwards, I just wanted to die. I punished my self with a
hidden depression that ate at me and the happy go lucky kid everyone
knew me as being. My pain was so great I didn't think I could go on
much longer.
It was during this time that I discovered adult disposable diapers at
the drug store. I was shaking in my shoes as I purchase my first
package. I remember the first night I sleep in a diaper...the great
feeling, security and comfort was near to heaven for me and bought me
time in forgetting the gay issue.
After college, I attained a fairly good job in advertising and began my
career. The stress of adulthood was beginning to break me down...I
wanted to be successful and successful I was going to be! I bought a
new car and began saving for a house. Then it happened, I cracked!
I had meet a guy at work that I was goo-goo over. He was cute, nice,
masculine, funny and had a great smile that I remember to this day. We
spent a lot of time together and he taught me to love motorcycles.
Later I bought one and as we drove down the road together I felt KING
of the HILL. On the other side, my emotions for him and my "gay" secret
life was very hard to hide. I began going to church with his family and
in essence his family became my second family. At this time, I had
pushed my family away to protect them and myself for the great secret.
I prayed continuously to God to change my gay feelings. I cried often
and begged for his divine intervention to make me straight.....
Secretly, I searched out professional help. We talked about everything
including my very abusive father but in no way would I mention the
"gay" thing and the "diaper" thing seemed minor to the other issue.
Finally the day came which change my life. I tried to commit suicide.
For the first time in my life, I felt the Divine intervention. As I
took my parents car down a country road at a very fast speed, I had
picked out the tree at the end of a sharp curve that would offer me the
relief and freedom from my pain, guilt and sadness. Within moments my
headlights caught the tree that would grant my most inner release and
peace. At the point of impact my steering wheel spun around, the big
nighty-eight Oldsmobile circled around the road and ended up in the
wrong direction. With tires squealing my life flashed before my eyes
and a voice said it is not your time, you have much to give and offer.
I realized God answered my prayer in his way and not mine.
I check myself into a mental hospital and I began my life long journey
to finding peace with myself. Over the years, I continued to discover
myself as a gay male and the fun diapers provided me. And, yes, I
continued to struggle with the diaper guilt also, not necessarily
because of the diapers, but because those I was dating at the time did
not approve completely. Throw everything away will help everything, the
desire will leave and I can live happily ever-after....WRONG.
After a brief but sincere relationship, I have come to the realization
that I am me. I am kind, loving, funny, giving, sincere, always wanting
to please others, a hard working and very demanding of myself for
perfection. I just happen to be gay and love wearing diapers. I have
learned to get over myself and enjoy these pleasure of life. They are
only earthly pleasures, hurt no one and really a silly reality that all
of us have in some way or another.
Today, I continue to live alone, work hard, take care of the dog
Buster, enjoy time with family and friends, wear diapers 24/7 and enjoy
my teddy bears, baby and toddler clothes and fun childhood toys to
relax and feel the comfort and security that fills a small void in my
life.
I have found a great church and continue my journey and close
relationship with God. Many of my new and old friends know I enjoy and
wear diapers and many find it cute and indulge the little boy inside
me. I continue to work hard, sometimes toooo hard, and hope that
someday God will allow me to share my life with a soul mate that loves
me for me.
I sincerely hope that those who read my story will also find comfort
and acceptance in their own journey to wholeness and person acceptance.
Yours in diapers.
Davie
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