Back then family meant a lot to us. They were the world to us. At least they were the majority of our world. The outside influences came in the form of church and a one room school. I somehow, from that small little world developed an unusual desire. There was no one who taught me this desire. I had the desire to be a baby again. To wear a diaper and put it to proper use. With several younger children in the family, I had easy access to diapers and plastic pants. Later, as my younger siblings grew out of diapers, I had to be more creative. With the use of paper towels and saran wrap I probably created the first disposable diaper. I kept my desire a secret. I sensed that this was something that could not be talked about in my little world. As I grew older the desire didn’t happen as often, but it never really went away. I could only imagine how difficult it would have been for my parents to deal with this issue. My parents didn’t seem to be very accepting. My mom was more accepting than my dad seemed to be, but I sensed that this was something even she could not deal with me on. This was something that I had to come to terms with on my own.

About six weeks before I was to join the military, something very terrible happened. My younger brother died in a drowning accident. I did not understand just how much my parents really loved us kids until that tragedy. Perhaps they didn't understand how much they loved us either until this happened. The communication between my parents and myself improved. Partly due to the tragedy, partly due to my maturing. Interestingly, my interest in diapers seemed to diminish at this time of my life. It didn't go away, but it became dormant. I was very busy with more normal pursuits. I got the motorcycle that I had wanted for a long time. I started skydiving and scuba diving. I was determined to have the happy childhood that I thought I had missed out on. I was doing that by getting as many big boy toys that I could possibly afford. Playing as many boy games as I could play. None of that seemed to satisfy an empty feeling that I had inside me. A hole that I couldn't seem to fill. I finally matured enough to finish college, get a job and get married. About a year and a half later I experienced the happiest day of my life. My 9 pound 10 oz little boy joined my world. I could not have been any happier. One year later, my grandfather who I loved dearly had a stroke. I didn't realize until later what a significant role he had in my life. At this same time I was working in a place where I had access to adult size diapers and plastic pants. For some reason the urge came back. I tried on the reusable diaper and plastic pants and they felt really great! Afterwards I felt terrible. I asked myself "What is wrong with me?" That urge didn't go away and a week later I tried some disposable diapers and put them to good use. Then for several days I thought I must be out of my mind. I was able to resist the urge to pamper myself. Eventually it seemed like it had gone away. It was gone until I got into a very stressful situation at work. I was working under a supervisor who was verbally abusive and it reminded me of my grade school teacher. Now the urge to pamper myself was happening on a regular basis. Like many others, I thought I was the only one in the world who was like this. I had thoughts of suicide, just as I had when I was younger. I dismissed those thoughts becauseI didn't want to hurt anyone else. As a child I hated myself for being different. As an adult those feelings of self hatred returned. In that small little world I grew up in being different was not acceptable. From that world, I also learned that the only times it was OK for a male to be taken care of was when he was an infant or an invalid. Then I had to be hospitalized for a blood clot. I had some changes on an EKG to indicate that I had a minor heart problem. I had other physical ailments taking place as well. Mentally, I was trying to come to terms with myself. I was a professional who had a good job. I had a wife and family. I was a responsible person in the community. "Why would someone like me want to wear a diaper and be a child?" I felt like I was the only one in the world like this.

Then I saw a TV that had other big babies on it. I was glued to the set trying to hear everything I could about this. I was able to tape a later airing. I learned the word "infantilism" from that and at least I had a place to start. I could now look up information on this subject. I couldn't seem to find anything on infantilism and this was before the internet. I finally found something in a bookstore in a major city. The store was four stories high filled with books. It had one book that contained two pages on infantilism. It was just enough for my search for answers to continue. The search for "Why me?" and the search for acceptance. Eventually, I found others with similar interests and desires. I learned a little more as time passed.

I felt the need to let my wife know what was going on. In some ways she was rejecting, but she managed to stick by me. She needed reassuarances that while part of me was a little child, part of me was going o continue to be the man she married. I sought professional help to see if I could be "cured" through hypnosis. I discovered that as a small child I had been living with my grandfather. My mom had an accident and could not take care of me. When I returned to her care I had a little brother. I was no longer the baby. It seemed unusual that all the things that took place in my life before I was two years old was still having an impact on who I am today. I had never known about my early childhood history. No one had ever told me about the accident. I was able to confirm this by talking to my mom. At the same time I told her of what I had been dealing with. As I suspected, she was very accepting of me. She did not understand the desire but she still loved me. My father's life was coming to an end and we decided that we should not burden him with this confession. I don't know if he would have been accepting, but I do know that he loved me. I needed to know that! I was a very critical and rejecting parent toward myself. Perhaps that was something else I learned from that small little world. Through the help of friends I was able to accept that a part of me still wants to be a child that is 18 months old. A child that needs to be taken care of. Interestingly, I found that when I do take good care of that child, I have fewer physical problems and am a lot happier. While life has been a struggle at times it has been a very good life. I would not want to give up any part of it. Today I am a parent. We have two biological children and four children by adoption. I love them all dearly and we have also been the foster parent to many other children. Many of them have had difficult issues. I would not want any of them to struggle as I have.

One child who at the age of six was not potty-trained. He would also batter his head against the concrete patio and through himself downstairs. he has broken every door in our home and has put several holes in the walls. He needed to be taken care of like a small child. Social workers told us he probably had a low IQ and not to expect much from this child. Because of what I went throughin my own life, I had an understanding of what he must be going through and we did our best to meet his needs. We expected much from this child because I expected a lot from myself. He was a bedwetter until age ten. Since then he has shown no interest in diapers or being babied. He has been on the honor roll and is now sixteen. While he will continue to have his struggles, I know he will be a good man.

I was once told the only way to spoil a child is to fail to meet their needs. I feel this is very true.

If you are a parent reading this you probably have a child who has a desire similar to mine. You should consider yourself blessed if your child has let you into his little world. that says a lot about the relationship you have with that child. They can trust you. Don't betray that trust by rejecting them over this. Every child NEEDS unconditional love. We now live in the age of communication with the internet. You can talk with people all over the world, yet the communication between parent and child can be as difficult as it was when I was a child. It would be good if parent and child got to know each other's e-mail addresses. (meant as a metaphor)

If you are a teenager reading this, you may have a desire similar to mine. You may have to face struggles similar to mine. Be kind to yourself and those who love you. Please take good care of yourself. Have patience for those in your life that love you. Be willing to forgive them for the mistakes that they may make. Don't expect them to understand this part of you. They may not know how to deal effectively with this and may stand in your way. If they make such a choice, understand that they are making that choice based on what they feel is best for you. It is a decision based on love for you. While you may not agree with their decision don't reject their love for you. Parents are only human and do make mistakes like everyone else.

If this letter helps one child or parent it is all worth the effort put into it. If that child or parent wants to e-mail me to communicate further I would welcome them. cmonster@fiberpipe.net